Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения (ASCII-IPA)

Франк Илья

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas, I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

I got real problems.

They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps.

Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up.

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary (пара

идет на ужин отметить свою пятидесятилетнюю годовщину свадьбы; anniversary [@nI'v@:(r)s(@)rI]). On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye (по дороге домой она замечает слезу в его глазу) and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together (и спрашивает, не потому ли он расчувствовался, что они отмечают 50 чудесных лет вместе).

He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married (нет, я думал о времени перед тем, как мы поженились). Your father threatened me with a shotgun (твой отец угрожал мне ружьем: to shoot /shot-shot/ - стрелять + gun — ружье) and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years (и сказал, что он бросит меня в тюрьму на 50 лет /to throw-threw-thrown/) if I didn't marry you (если я не женюсь на тебе). Tomorrow I would've been a free man! (завтра я был бы свободным человеком)"

A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he's getting sentimental because they're celebrating 50 wonderful years together.

He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he'd have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn't marry you. Tomorrow I would've been a free man!"

I was thinking about the time before we got married.

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years (пожилая вдова и вдовец встречались около пяти лет). The man finally decided to ask her to marry (мужчина наконец решил просить ее руки). She immediately said "yes" (она тут же сказала "да"; immediately [I'mi:dj@tlI] - немедленно).

The next morning when he awoke (на следующее утро, когда он проснулся; to awake), he couldn't remember what her answer was! (он не мог припомнить, каков был ее ответ) "Was she happy? (она была счастлива = рада) I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny… (кажется, подождите, нет, она смотрела на меня странно; fun — веселье, забава; funny — забавно; странно)"

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail (после часа бесполезных попыток вспомнить; avail — польза [@'veIl]), he gave her a call (он позвонил ей). Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal (смущенный, он

признался, что не помнит ее ответа на предложение; proposal [pr@'p@uz(@)l]).

"Oh," she said, "I'm so glad you called (я так рада, что вы позвонили). I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was (я помню, что сказала "да" кому-то, но я не могла вспомнить, кто это был)."

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years. The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny…"

After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh," she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

I'm so glad you called.

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation (две пожилые четы наслаждались дружеской беседой) when one of the men asked the other (когда один из мужчин спросил другого), "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month? (ну и как "клиника памяти" — т.е.: восстановления памяти), в которую ты ходил в прошлом месяце)"

"Outstanding (замечательно; outstanding — выдающийся)," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques — visualization, association — it made a huge difference for me (нас научили нас всем последним психологическим приемам: визуализации, ассоциации — это "сделало" огромную разницу для меня = это мне очень помогло; psychological [saIk@'lOdZIk@l] techniques [tek'ni:ks])."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic? (как называлась клиника)"

Fred went blank (был озадачен; blank — озадаченный, смущенный). He thought and thought, but couldn't remember (он думал и думал, но не мог вспомнить).

Then a smile broke across his face (затем улыбка появилась /to break — здесь: проступить/ на его лице) and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns? (как ты называешь = как называется тот цветок, с длинным стеблем и шипами)"

"You mean a rose? (ты имеешь в виду розу)"

"Yes, that's it! (точно, вот именно: «это /есть/ оно»)"

He turned to his wife… (он повернулся к жене) "Rose, what was the name of that clinic? (Роза, как называлась та клиника)"

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques — visulization, association — it made a huge difference for me."