Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения (ASCII-IPA)
Шрифт:
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attends the concert and returns home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"
I apologize for taking your car.
Please forgive the inconvenience.
A dietician (диетолог; dietician [dI@'tISn]) was once addressing a large audience in Chicago (однажды
The man lowered his head and said (человек опустил голову и сказал), "Wedding cake (свадебный пирог)."
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
It can be disastrous.
Please give us your idea.
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day (трое человек рыбачили на озере однажды), when an angel appeared in the boat (когда ангел возник в лодке).
When the three astonished (изумленные) men had settled down enough to speak (пришли в себя настолько, чтобы говорить; to settle — поселиться, водвориться; успокоиться), the first guy asked the angel humbly (робко), "I've suffered (мучаюсь) from back pain (болью в спине) ever since I took shrapnel (с тех самых пор, как я получил осколки) in the Vietnam War… (во Вьетнамской войне) Could you help me? (ты мог бы помочь мне)"
"Of course (конечно)," the angel said, and when he touched (дотронулся) the man's back, the man felt relief (почувствовал облегчение /to feel-felt-felt/) for the first time in years (первый раз за годы).
The second guy wore very thick glasses (второй парень носил очень толстые очки /to wear-wore-wore/) and had a hard time reading and driving (и ему было тяжело: "имел тяжелое
The angel smiled (улыбнулся), removed (снял) the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake (швырнул их в озеро). When they hit the water (когда они ударились о воду), the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly (глаза человека "прояснились", и он смог видеть все отчетливо).
When the angel turned to the third guy (к третьему), the guy put his hands out defensively (выставил руки, защищаясь)– "Don't touch me! (не трогай меня)" he cried (воскликнул), "I'm on a disability pension (я на инвалидном пособии; disability [dIza'bIlItI] - нетрудоспособность)."
Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.
When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War… Could you help me?"
"Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.
The second guy wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight.
The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.
When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively — "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."
Could you help me?
Don't touch me!
Two men went bear hunting (два человека пошли на медвежью охоту). While one stayed in the cabin (пока один остался в хижине), the other went out looking for a bear (другой вышел в поисках: "ища" медведя). He soon found a huge bear (вскоре он нашел большого медведя), shot at it (выстрелил в него /to shoot-shot-shot/) but only wounded it (но только ранил его).
The enraged (взбешенный; rage — бешенство, ярость) bear charged toward him (пошел на него; to charge — атаковать), he dropped his rifle (бросил ружье; rifle [raIfl]) and started running (и побежал) for the cabin as fast as he could (так быстро, как мог). He ran pretty fast (очень быстро) but the bear was just a little faster (но медведь был все-таки немного быстрее) and gained on him with every step (нагонял его с каждым шагом). Just as he reached the open cabin door (как раз когда он добежал: «достиг» до открытой двери хижины), he tripped and fell flat (споткнулся и упал плашмя /to fall-fell-fallen/).
Too close behind to stop (/будучи/ слишком близко "сзади", чтобы остановиться), the bear tripped over him (споткнулся о него) and went rolling (ввалился) into the cabin.
The man jumped up (подпрыгнул), closed (закрыл) the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside (прокричал "своему другу внутри"),
"You skin this one (ты снимай шкуру с этого) while I go and get another! (пока я пойду и возьму, добуду другого)"