The Mist and the Lightning. Part IV
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"Arel is insane, totally insane, actually. For real. This honesty of his… He's not even afraid to be weak."
"He's only honest with those he considers close, and he isn't afraid to appear weak, because he is very strong".
"And you?"
"I'm not like that. Once in a lifetime I also wasn't afraid to be weak, dared to open up, exposed myself, my heart…and got a knife in it. No nobody else will ever be able to get so deep inside of me. To know my weaknesses, to know me. You think that I'm crushed, that I'm lonely, but no, not at all. There's no one in this world, whom I would want to enter my heart again, open all my doors towards. I love Arel a lot, but that's different. We don't need this all-consuming closeness. For him, wherever I let him – it's enough. Generally, Arel never pries, it's very easy with him in this sense. And you can't defeat him like me. You are walking around so pleased, thinking you've got him in your staunch paws, but you are mistaken. You succeeded with me, and you would with anybody else, but not with Arel. Me, I'm a regular guy, with a regular way of thinking, and my feelings are pretty primal, as well. I'm just a bit more attentive than others, a bit more hardworking, not as lazy as most people. And you are also regular, you may not flatter yourself. That's why it all worked with me. But Arel is different, you could never understand him, and so you could never defeat him. His heart will forever be unavailable for you; you don't have the key. You may be grinning inside right now, thinking 'how come not, but he's with me', but soon you will realize you were mistaken. I was mistaken the exact same way. I also used to think that Arel was with me. Everybody think Arel is with them. And he is with everybody, and with nobody. All this time you were staring at me like this, you think I'm miserable, but you don't get it, I like it here, I'm good. I'm among my own kind. And you, you are all alone, just like before, not a single loving soul by your side…”
“I truly am sorry…”
“What is it that you want? You came to finish whatever you couldn’t do back then? Why didn’t you tell them that you hand shook and your blow wasn’t exactly to the heart? I know, don’t answer that, you didn’t tell them because you were afraid, afraid to appear weak. Because they might have thought that you too, fell in love with him, with your enemy.
“Tell them”.
“Why should I, I don’t need it all the more. I don’t care! It would be better if everything happened just like you said. And would be better if I died back then!”
“I caused you pain…”
“None of this matters.”
“Why did you stay in the castle, if you think that I came for you?”
“I have nowhere else to run, I told you, here is my real home, my family, which I didn’t have otherwise. Not with my mother, not with my father, not with you…”
“Don’t say that!”
“I’ve been through a lot, and I’ve had everything, even love”.
“No!”
“I will go to a slaughter like a ship”.
“Stop it!”
“Go to sleep in peace, Carina, I won’t escape from you”.
“Lis…”
“Go away already! Don’t you see that everything has finished a long time ago? I don’t give a damn what you do. With Arel or with anybody else. As far as I’m concerned, you can fuck all of them, if Arel will share you around, just like his other girls! I will fuck you like the rest. I warned you!”
Carina’s face changed, they really had nothing to talk about anymore, he became as damaged as everybody else in this god damned castle, he is right, there’s nothing left in him from the great Sigmer, he really was a different person. Arel’s person. Arel’s slave. She got up: “Good night!”
Why do her legs feel like wood?
When her footsteps died down upstairs, Lis kept sitting without moving for a while, staring on the flames in the fireplace. Then he suddenly fell upon the furs, tucking his face in the pelage. And just lay like this, face down, on the old furs, alone in a huge empty hall, and the glare of the fire have tried unsuccessfully to dye his hair red.
Chapter Two.
Who is he?
“What else did you realize for yourself?” – Lis asked. “Tell me”.
“What’s in it for you? It’s all just small talk” – Orel said, lighting a cigarette.
“You think outside the box, and I’m curious”.
Orel laughed: “Is this a complement? Did you just praise a ‘silly pretty prince’?”
“Think whatever you want! I’ve always considered you rather sharp, just somewhat crass. As for your smarts, you have to agree, Arel, you never even really learned how to read, or wright, or count. You’re not silly, of course, but you are uneducated and illiterate”.
“I know all that stuff” – Orel shook his hair.
“You’re a child! It’s ridicules! You are almost thirty years old! Even if a miracle occurs, and you die a natural death, in your own bed, even though it’s unlikely, even in the very best case it will happen within fifteen years tops! And the “blacks” usually live till hundred years easily! You understand that?”
“Yes”.
“Did you already catch the liver infection?”
“Yes…”
“What were you thinking?! Are you still going to claim you’re not stupid?”
Orel was silent.
“How much time did you spend in prison?”
“Two”.
“Two and a half, to be accurate. Best years of your youth! Only fools, like you and Squint-Eye, serve time in prison! Or even get there!”
Once again, Orel didn’t answer.
“Do you know why I like you, Arel? You never make excuses, you take all my mockery quietly. And I mock you in a mean way, it hurts me that such an interesting thoughts come into your head instead of mine. Even though I am the one who always kept searching for the answers, and still do”.
“But I told you, you were the one who gave me the basic idea. You were the one who said, ‘He is a nobody. He actually doesn’t exist! And you get from him whatever you bring in”.
“Well, you’re basically right, I said something like this, but I wasn’t the one who gave it the final shape, it was you”.
“You suppose my theory is final? It’s only one of the ideas”.
“There’s more?!”
“Yes.”
“?!”
“There is the feedback. The feedback we get from him”.
“Your slave girl? Shela, whom he supposedly killed to get back at me. I got you”.
“The black-braided. Yes, it’s possible. Shit, why do I keep forgetting her name!”
“Never mind. You also got something? You love him, after all!”
“I got some. Big time! I got no less than Enriki, and definitely no less than you! I’m almost ruined!”
“But what for? And wait, what does Rik have to do with it?”