Your children are not your children
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Сhildren may even die if they don’t have the environment, the ways and chances to fulfill their potential. Children understand it not at the intellectual, but at the natural level, and then they choose «not to live» – to die or fall ill. Only in the first year the child receives strong support from parents. First steps, first words, first using of the baby potty – everything is encouraged and causes a storm of emotions in adults, that’s why after birth children develop so rapidly. Then, when two-year-old children say that they will do everything themselves («I’ll cook myself, wash myself, sweep myself»), their development is slowed down by parents.
Children's willingness to take risks, crazyness, activeness and participation in life, the desire to influence, to build, to create frightens inert parents. They begin to forbid, talking about some stupid consequences, which they have never met or seen themselves. Immediately they get scared and start evaluating,
«Good children» are «dead children.» Their parents succeeded in killing their individuality, intuition, creativity, joy, spontaneity, initiative and passion. These are scared children, having lost their childhood and the source of life. Children who are «alive» are always «crazy,» they are beyond the limits of our understanding of expedience, appropriateness and rightness and therefore they can’t be good – they will get in our hair, annoy us and bother with strange ideas and tricks. In fact, children are capable of doing absurd things (from our point of view): they can turn chairs into planes, paper into money and glass into diamonds. We don’t understand that, we don’t want to understand and immediately forbid, just in case, trying «to make an order in the dark room»: «You can’t! Boogeyman will take you up!» – «Why?» – «Just because…» – «But what have I done?» – «You mustn’t! That’s all! When you grow up, you will understand. Now you are too little to protest!»
I remember a woman came to me to consult, and I asked her to write an application for a «good son,» and she was absolutely serious writing that she wanted him to do this and that and to say so…
She wasn’t an exception – I often met parents, who «played» parents, then the «toy» broke down and they went to the psychologist: «Repair him for me. I was bringing him up, but suddenly he broke down and became unsuitable for use, uncontrolled, restless and a stupid parasite.» At the same time the mother was sure that everything was OK with her, it was only with a child that something was wrong. So first of all I consult this mother, and then get down to a child, and if the mother doesn’t understand, it’s useless to treat the child. When you communicate with these mothers, there is a feeling that their only desire is to kill children’s personality as quickly as possible and make them suitable for control, the so-called «handheld robots.» If you want to play – turn on the toy, if you lose the desire – turn it off. Well, luckily that mother quickly realized that she couldn’t get a child with the help of application. This would no longer be a child, but a doll.
I always repeat: learn to live from children. A man came to me: «I don’t know what to do – troubles are everywhere, nothing can be worth…» I ask him: «Don’t you have a son?» – «Yes, he is a year and a half.» – «Tell me about him. How does he wake up?» – «He opens his eyes and says: „Wow!“ – „How does he fall asleep?“ – „With a potato chip in his mouth. As soon as he reaches his bed, he falls asleep like a dead man.“ We all have such a little wise man and a life teacher. Unlike adults, children haven’t tasted meanness, intrigues, lies, pain, fear, betrayal, corruption – these are the only things they do not know about life. If you want to start living – look at your child and learn. He can live, but you have forgotten what it means. He doesn’t care, and you are within the limits. He lives and plays at full swing, whereas you’re dumb and lazy. If you have left your mobile at home – it can be now anywhere: in the washing machine or in the toilet bowl. This way our children try to make us conscious, responsible and included in life. It’s a perfect training for parents.
Children return us to life, but we beat them, because we don’t feel the ability to live – we have lost it, because we were beaten, and it seems we will never be able to live like they do. We shall. Learn to live from children until they become „dead.“ 1 30 per cent of children are „dead“ up to the age of five, 70 per cent – after school and there remains only 12 per cent of „alive“ children after college. Look, how many people are a success after their college or university experience? Where are the rest? We attended the same lectures, studied in the same group and listened to the same professors. Where have they gone? Where will your children go when they grow up? They will be OK if you don’t impose your philosophy of the norm upon them and tell them what kind of people they should be, right from their childhood. Then they will stay „alive,“ they will be able to surprise, to take part in life and to become successful.
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"Dead" meaning "having lost their uniqueness, spontaneity, initiative with respect to the moment of life." Meaning children who do something to seek other people’s approval of their actions. The statistics are true for Russia.
Being a parent means to be present, to realize and clearly see your role and your place next to this miracle that was born, and to create conditions and space for their development and growth. There, inside, in our center we are born with a certain potential, inner strength. And all this potential, this project, the idea of nature we bear are looking for the ways to be implemented, but come across powerful obstacles – models and expectations of parents. Parents also felt this potential long ago, but they lost it under the same methods of upbringing they practice now on their children. And instead of starting to live, they remember what they had inside back then, they get afraid and scare their children, „Can they do what they want nowadays?“ „Never mind! We were suffering, so they will suffer too.“ „He is too little to want it.“ „This is too much he wants.“ „You haven’t grown up enough.“ „When you grow up, you will understand.“ Parents are afraid of the children’s creativity and unpredictability, they are afraid of children who have Their Own Life.
Start living yourself, living the children’s lives – get down on your knees and crawl together, look at them, watch them, feel them and join them. Just for a second try to forget about the project of „how it should be“ and start being, living, seeing, feeling and realizing. Not only feeding and getting dressed, but watching to see what my children are doing now, why they are doing it, and why it is important for them. If you spend some time not controlling, evaluating and harping on the same old theme, you will be able to see the process of life cognition, the discovery of the world by these little people. At that time, you just have to be there, supporting.
We become wise parents when we understand what’s happening: what is the child doing, what for, what will the consequences be? Then, we say „no,“ not because this is right for someone, but because we start feeling, seeing, realizing, that this is the only thing to do now. If the snake is crawling to the child, you have to push the child away from it with all your strength. The child can be hurt, can be afraid because of suddenness, can cry, but you have to do it. Let other people criticize you for being rude and violent. Let the child take offence and go into hysterics. The main thing is that you know what you are doing.
There is no „right,“ no „wrong.“ There is what is appropriate and what is irrelevant, what is necessary and what is excessive, what is sufficient and what is surplus, what is effective and what is purposeless. Relying on the obviousness of the situation, on „here and now“, I never think what is „right.“ Inside myself I feel if it’s worth interfering or not. When I feel it, I don’t care about other people’s advice, about how I look like in their eyes. Then, there is no pretense and formal upbringing for the public: I heard the noise, came to the children’s room, shouted, returned to the guests and they told me with respect, „How strict you are with them! Good job!“