Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения (ASCII-IPA)

Франк Илья

"Sure (конечно)," said the old shopkeeper (сказал старый хозяин магазина). "What would you like (что ты предпочтешь: «что бы ты хотел»), three 6's or two 9's? (три /купюры/ по шесть или две по девять)"

Some small-time crooks decided that people were so stupid that they would accept 18 dollar bills if somebody gave then any. So they carefully made some plates and printed some up, and went to a small town to try them out. They got up to a shopkeeper and talked for a while, then casually said, "Say, can you give me change for an 18 dollar bill?"

"Sure" said the old shopkeeper. "What would you like, three 6's or two 9's?"

Say, can you give me change for a hundred dollar bill?

There was a position open (было

свободное место) for an accountant (бухгалтера) at one large firm (в одной большой фирме). They got the applicants down to 3 people (они остановили выбор на трех претендентах: «сбавили, спустили /число/ претендентов до трех»). The president was going to interview each one separately (собрался побеседовать с каждым отдельно). He asked the first applicant in (он пригласил первого кандидата).

"I'm going to ask you just one question (я собираюсь задать вам только один вопрос)," says the president (сказал президент), "What's 2+2? (сколько будет два плюс два)"

Applicant #1 promptly answers (кандидат сразу, быстро отвечает) "Four (четыре)."

"Thank you, we will get back to you (благодарю вас, мы к вам вернемся = мы с вами свяжемся)," replied the president.

The second applicant comes in (второй входит), same question (тот же вопрос) "What's 2+2?"

Applicant #2 thinks this must be a trick question (думает, что это вопрос с подвохом), thinks a little bit and says "Five" (думает немного и говорит «пять»)."

The president replies, "Well, that's obviously wrong (это явно неправильно), don't call us, we'll call you (не звоните нам, мы вам /сами/ позвоним)."

The third applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"

The third applicant looks around (оглядывается) as if he's looking for someone else in the room (как будто он ищет кого-то еще в комнате) and replies, "What would you like it to be? (а сколько бы вам хотелось, чтобы это было)"

The president exclaims (восклицает), "YOU'RE MY MAN! (вы мой человек = вот вы-то мне и нужны, вы мне подходите)"

There was a position open for an accountant at this one large firm. They got the applicants down to 3 people. The president was going to interview each one separately. He asked the first applicant in.

"I'm going to ask you just one question," says the president, "What's 2+2?"

Applicant #1 promptly answers "Four."

"Thank you, we will get back to you," replied the president.

The second applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"

Applicant #2 thinks this must be a trick question, thinks a little bit and says "Five."

The president replies, "Well, that's obviously wrong, don't call us, we'll call you."

The third applicant comes in, same question "What's 2+2?"

The third applicant looks around as if he's looking for someone else in the room and replies, "What would you like it to be?"

The president exclaims, "YOU'RE MY MAN!"

I'm going to ask you just one question.

Well, that's obviously wrong.

You’re my man!

A very elderly couple (очень

пожилая пара) is having an elegant dinner (устраивает изысканный ужин) to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary (отметить свою 75-юю годовщину свадьбы; to wed — выдавать замуж; вступать в брак). The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife (наклоняется вперед и говорит мягко своей жене), "Dear, there is something that I must ask you (дорогая, я должен тебя кое о чем спросить). It has always bothered me (меня всегда беспокоило) that our tenth child (что наш десятый ребенок) never quite looked like the rest of our children (никогда вполне не походил на остальных наших детей; rest — остаток, остальная часть). Now I want to assure you (сейчас я хочу заверить тебя) that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience (что это 75 лет были самым замечательным опытом) I could have ever hoped for (на который я мог надеяться), and your answer cannot take all that away (и твой ответ не может все это разрушить; to take away — убрать).

But… I must know, did he have a different father? (но… я должен знать, у него другой отец; different — отличный, отличающийся)"

The wife drops her head (супруга роняет = опускает голову), unable to look her husband in the eye (будучи не в состоянии смотреть в глаза своему мужу; able — умелый; способный), she paused for a moment (она помолчала секунду) and then confessed: "Yes. Yes he did (Да. Да, у него был /другой отец/)."

The old man is very shaken (очень потрясен; to shake — трясти), the reality of what his wife was admitting (реальность того, что признала его жена) hit him harder than he had expected (сделала ему больнее: «ударила его больше», чем он ожидал). With a tear in his eye he asks, (со слезой в глазу он спрашивает) "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father? (кто, кто это был, кто был отцом)"

Again, the old woman drops her head (снова старушка опускает голову), saying nothing at first (сначала не говоря ничего) as she tried to muster the courage (пока она пыталась набраться смелости; muster — сбор, смотр, перекличка; to muster — собирать/ся/) to tell the truth to her husband (чтобы сказать правду своему мужу). Then, finally, she says, (потом наконец она говорит) "You".

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away.

But… I must know, did he have a different father?"