My city 3: records Emmanuel
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Having listened to Luda, Emmanuel thought. She just saw before herself the woman in anger. It was embittered for the whole world. Yes that on the world, on each man separately. It was possible to assume that Luda's childhood was so joyful as could seem at first sight. She all heart, sincerely hated men. She despised them, despised sincerely all heart of soul. And this hatred was pathological.
Here it was possible to assume that Luda was subjected to violence in the childhood, and can she had an unsuccessful attempt connect the life with some man? He made by it the child, and was washed away. We think out to ourselves justification in the acts. Sometimes we block our consciousness what we create the character invented by us, we name it a certain name, and we say him all that we do not decide to tell our parents. It becomes our to the second "I", and we perceive it as the friend or the girlfriend. For example, we are our thoughts both our sorrows, and grieves we write to the diary. Everyone keeps such diary. If not on papers, then in the thoughts. We say what happened to us for this day, and we ask our the second "I", and it answers us. But sometimes, we cannot say about what happened to us. Neither with invented by us the second "I", nor with the diary, with anybody that either to others or another. Our consciousness in our consciousness locks all bad, and licks in it all that we try to forget. To us it is painful because that we ever endured in our childhood, and in life in general. We lock it, and we throw out it far, in depths of the ocean, human consciousness. Leaving subconsciousness locked. But happens when the subconsciousness cannot contain more in the subconsciousness any more and lock, all information human consciousness. In this case occurs inevitable, and all information which is saved up in our subconsciousness is splashed out outside. There is simply a failure. The hysterics developing into psychosis. Psychosis consciousness of a human hysterics. It also happened to Luda. All that accumulated in it for all years of her life now all this broke loose. Her subconsciousness could not cope with the fact that at present it was splashed out outside. Her subconsciousness could not keep more in itself that it was postponed in it for years. There is at the person a nervous breakdown. This nervous breakdown also happened to Luda now.
Emmanuel carefully took an interest:
– All what you spoke to me now about, you meant yourself?
On this question Luda could not tell anything certain. Yes, she probably, spoke about herself. Just as some people noticing that speak and speak, telling that without knowing all the life. This human mentality, his consciousness issues information, and tells it to someone to whom whom this person does not know. The stranger can tell what you will not tell others. It is the fact. Fact of human mentality. He is a person, will never tell the relatives that he can tell other person. The girlfriend, to the friend, mistress, lover. But never to the mother or father. There is our such mentality. Our consciousness, and subconsciousness. However: the nadsoznaniye of the person, is the reason of this factor. Remember expression: "Over subconscious level …", as well as on a nadsoznaniye human level, we understand that in subconsciousness we want to speak about something with someone. Only with ourselves that turns our subconsciousness into consciousness, and we speak about the problems with the one whom we do not know at all, with our invented "I". We begin to keep the diary, writing down all our thoughts there, closing on the lock, or according to extremely Mary we so think. But we cannot sometimes tell the diary that at us boiled at heart. Emotions – which in us, were splashed out outside, and here we in full to emptiness. To emptiness of the feelings. We just fall into hysterical panic, and then and in hysteria all that in us boiled is splashed out outside, and we begin to damn all that we only can. And at last, we do not maintain, and having found ourselves a goat remission we pour out all that information which accumulated in our subconscious and irresponsible level outside. We remember all bad and good that was with us once. We comprehend and process this information, and we draw logical for this purpose the conclusion a conclusion: "another is guilty I, and someone". No matter who is guilty? Guilty will always be. We become embittered on all people, the whole country, and we do not consider ourselves guilty: – "Are guilty all but me". – so we speak or so considers our subconsciousness? Obviously, here the riddle of ours conclusion is also concealed. In our subconsciousness there are what that button, the button our subconscious "I". It blocks our experiences, she removes this blocking, and all emotions of the person come to light. Obviously – all to agree with me that so it also is actually.
The same situation happened also to Luda. It just did not sustain all that freight. Freight – her subconsciousness, also escaped outside. And Emmanuel was that woman – the stranger who could tell about the problems, without speaking at the same time: – "I told someone, and now this person can tell that I told him this story or any other, and he will give me with giblets". – Now Luda was not afraid of it. Was not afraid before the moment when Emmanuel carefully took an interest: "All what you spoke to me now about, you meant yourself?". – This question cast Luda into slight panic. She understood on Emmanuel and as if without understanding that that asked, Luda asked again:
– What? – then she asked. What did you tell?
Emmanuel asked the same question:
– I asked, all what you spoke to me now about, you meant yourself?
Luda did not know what to answer. Now, when she told Emmanuel, that she at her at heart, and between other told it about what at it on heart, she did not know as to tell? What to answer a question Emmanuel? And having understood what to tell there is nothing, Luda told:
– No, I not about. – she used cunning, and added vaguely. – I generally.
Stretched to Emmanuel long:
– And – and – and-and … – and having made a puzzled significant pause, added. – Means generally?
Luda perhaps understood that she did not want that, but nevertheless dared to speak that there is for her Russia. Yes, it perhaps without realizing made a mistake. She did not know who this woman, and having splashed out now all that information which it, apparently possessed, now she regretted for it. She wanted to return back, to the airport. Never to put this woman into the taxi: "let better it would be carried by this taxi driver. Taxi driver suicide. Than she got into its taxi. What by this foreigner it is not sat in Europe? All to Russia aspire, there is nothing to do here – there is no work, and here also they go". Luda told:
– You know – it having made a pause, continued. – You in vain here arrived.
Without having understood what Luda speaks about, Emmanuel asked:
– You it to what?
– Russia not for Europeans. – Luda told. – After the collapse of the USSR to be violated one justice here. Murders continually. – it having made a pause, continued. – Outside began the ninetieth. – it having again made a pause, heaved a deep sigh, and kind of with regret told. – These are not the eightieth. – it seemed that in her eyes the grief by those fine years her childhood when it was still a girl was visible. – AH! The eightieth or eightieth. The best years of my life.
Emmanuel immediately noticed:
– Childhood is always fine. – then she added. – we do not think of anything. For us childhood it is the whole world in the bosom of the family. – it having made a pause, told. – I perfectly understand you Luda. I once was a little girl, however, as well as all people on this globe.
Larisa quietly answered:
– Means you me you understand.
– Of course. – answered Emmanuel. – All of us are people, and all of us aspire to the better life. – it having made a pause, told. – Here you for example.
Larisa did not understand. She asked:
– What I?
– You, as well as many people in this world, want the better life for yourself, and I understand you. – Emmanuel having made a long pause, and having heaved a deep sigh, told. – Each person looks for the place where he will be to him become warmer.
Luda agreed with Emmanuel. She told:
– That's it.
Here Emmanuel took an interest:
– Tell, at the Soviet communistic system it was better?
This loaded question set Luda thinking. She never suspected this subject. For it nostalgia on the past, by years her childhood, there were happiest years in her life. But it were years her childhood, she entered adulthood only in the late nineties. When on the nineteenth of August one thousand nine hundred first years the communistic system at the head of his last leader was overthrown; M.S. Gorbachev. Its place in the updated Russia was taken by the leader of that time; B.N. Yeltsin. Russia endured the ninetieth crisis, and revelry of the criminal organizations in the beginning. Nobody thought then how to develop their life further? Then the power not to think of hunger, not to see rise in crime in new Russia, the government put people on dope for sufferers – series. That there is one Santa Barbara, it probably, the longest series in the world. The actors who arrived after numerous series, told that in it two and a half thousand series so for ten years will be enough. I remember that about all shown series satirists a joke tirovat them. About Santa-Barbara even spoke; "if to go to the USA, then it is necessary to go to Santa-Barbara. We so on extremely measure of all know". Here so on extremely measure we were given drug of the better life. We watched soap operas: "Iolanthe Lukhan. The rich cry too. Slave Izaura. Cain. Tropikanki's secret", and many others. Of course in comparison with that life shown on the TV screen, life in Russia seemed hell. And people could not live so. Most of them went abroad, its most part went to the USA.
Here so Russia, without having become independent yet began to brainwash, that is to continue to brainwash the people. Earlier the Soviet citizens were afraid of party, it is worse, than to take off from it it was not more awful than anything, than to become the derelict Soviet society and to receive a label: Enemy of the people.
Luda answered:
– I consider that at councils life was better, than now.
– Why?
– Then, someone was afraid of someone, and now one lawlessness went. Who has in hands a weapon and the power, that is always right. – then she added with regret. – The truth Russia nearby left from it from the CPSU. A difference only that earlier on the official it was impossible to complain – will put in mental hospital, and now for it just will not find the person, he will sink into a non-existence whether will disappear, however, he was born on light? It is unlikely?
Emmanuel was terrified:
– Really in Russia it is so bad.
– Worse than ever. – Luda answered, and then added. – Here I will gain the diploma and I will leave this country in states. – Luda then added to a reasoning on future life. – There I will come to Oxford – then she threw. – perhaps will carry, and I will get on in the world.
– And if is not present?
– Then I will go to Hollywood. – unambiguously Luda answered. – I will try the of good luck on a scene stage. – it having made a pause, added. – You know, I am a quite good actress, speak.