Самые лучшие английские анекдоты
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“That’s a lovely name, dear,” he said. “The first girl I ever went out with [103] was called Penelope and it will bring back pleasant memories.”
“I think we’ll call her Mary, after [104] my mother,” said the wife.
Little Johnny: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Little Johnny: Good, because I didn’t do my homework.
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went out with – ходил на свидания
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call smb. after smb. –
Once there were two twins at the age of eight who were completely opposite, one always had a good attitude and a positive outlook on life, the other was always negative and found something to whine about in everything.
When Christmas was around the corner that year their parents decided to try and balance out the brothers’ attitudes. For the negative son they bought a brand new bike. [105] For the positive son they went out to a farm and filled a box full of horse crap.
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brand new bike – новенький велосипед
Christmas came and the parents watched their reactions. The negative son opened his gift first, finding the new bike. Immediately he began to complain, “It’s too cold out to ride a bike, I don’t even know how to ride one, I hate this gift!”
Just then the positive son started to open his gift. With his parents watching, he pulled back the flaps on the box and peered in at its contents. He stood silent for a moment and then shouted excitedly, “There’s gotta be a horse around here somewhere!”
There once was an Irishman named Pat, who was born on St. Patrick’s Day, died on St. Patrick’s Day, marching in the St. Patrick’s Day parade.
Pat went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. [106] St. Peter said, “Who are you?” and Pat replied, “My name is Pat, I’m an Irishman, born on St. Patrick’s Day, died on St. Patrick’s Day, marching in the St. Patrick’s Day parade.”
St. Peter checked up in his book and saw all this information was true. So he said to Pat, “Yes, this is all true, so here is a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play ‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.’ You’ve earned it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven.”
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Pearly Gates – Жемчужные Врата
Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and it starts to play ‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.’
He heads out into heaven, a smile on his face and a song in his heart.
He’s having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around for two whole days. However, on the third day, he’s driving down the main expressway [107] in heaven with the harp playing full blast [108] when, all of a sudden, a pink and white two-tone cloud roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music. Pat has just enough time to see that the person driving the pink and white two-tone cloud has a long nose and a darkish complexion.
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main expressway – главная скоростная автомагистраль
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playing full blast – играющая во всю мощь
Pat makes a U-turn [109] right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway, charges back [110] to the Pearly Gates, jumps off of his little green cloud and stalks up [111] to St. Peter.
He says, “St. Peter, my name is Pat, I’m an Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick’s Day, died on St. Patrick’s Day, marchin’ in the St. Patrick’s Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song ‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.’
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U-turn – поворот на 180 градусов
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charge back – рвануть назад
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stalks up – подходит с гордым видом
St. Peter, there’s a Jew over there. He’s got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!”
St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says, “Pat, shush! [112] He’s the boss’s son!”
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other [113] in their determined efforts to get away from evil.
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Pat, shush! – Пэт, тихо!
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trampling each other – топча друг друга
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?”
The man says, “Yes, sure do.”
Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man says, “No. Sure am not.”
Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man says, “Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”
A man stumbles up [114] to the only other man in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why of course? [115] ” comes the reply.
The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man.
The first man responds, “You don’t say, [116] I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland. [117] ”
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stumbles up – подходит, спотыкаясь
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Why of course? – Почему бы и нет?
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You don’t say! – Не может быть!
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another round to Ireland – ещё один раз стакан за Ирландию
“Of course,” replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks, “Where in Ireland are you from?”
“Dublin,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.”
“Of course,” replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, “What school did you go to?”
“Saint Mary’s,” replies the second man. “I graduated in ’92.”
“This is unbelievable!” the first man says. “I went to Saint Mary’s and I graduated in ’92, too!”