Английский шутя. Английские и американские анекдоты для начального чтения (ASCII-IPA)

Франк Илья

"I don't like her."

Just for fun.

That's amazing!

Benjamin rushes (бросается) to his doctor.

"Doctor, you’ve got to give me something (вы должны дать мне что-нибудь) to make me young again (чтобы сделать меня снова молодым). I’ve got a date (у меня свидание) with this beautiful young girl tonight (с этой красивой молодой девушкой сегодня вечером)."

His doctor said, "Hold on a second (подождите, остановитесь /на/ секундочку; to hold —

держать), you’re 70 years old (вам 70 лет), there’s really not a lot I can do for you (я действительно не много для вас могу сделать; a lot — множество, много)."

Benjamin replies, "But doctor, my friend Tony is much older than I am (мой друг Тони намного старше меня: «чем я») and he says he has sex three times a week (а он говорит, что занимается любовью три раза в неделю)."

"OK," says the doctor, "so you say it too! (и вы тоже так говорите)"

Benjamin rushes to his doctor.

"Doctor, you’ve got to give me something to make me young again. I’ve got a date with this beautiful young girl tonight."

His doctor said, "Hold on a second, you’re 70 years old, there’s really not a lot I can do for you."

Benjamin replies, "But doctor, my friend Tony is much older than I am and he says he has sex three times a week."

"OK," says the doctor, "so you say it too!"

Hold on a second.

There’s really not a lot I can do for you.

Beckie was dying (умирала) and on her deathbed (и у своего смертного одра), she gave final instructions (она дала последние указания) to her husband (своему супругу) Tony.

"Tony, you’ve been so good to me all these years (ты был так добр ко мне все эти годы). I know you never even thought (я знаю, ты никогда даже не думал /to think-thought-thought/) about another woman (о другой женщине). But now that I’m going (но теперь, когда я ухожу), I want you to marry again (я хочу, чтобы ты женился снова) as soon as possible (как можно скорее) and I want you to give your new wife (чтобы ты отдал твоей новой жене) all my expensive clothes (всю мою дорогую одежду)."

"I can’t do that, darling (я не могу сделать этого, дорогая)," Tony said. "You’re a size (у тебя размер) 16 and she’s only (а у нее только) a 10."

Beckie was dying and on her deathbed, she gave final instructions to her husband Tony.

"Tony, you’ve been so good to me all these years. I know you never even thought about another woman. But now that I’m going, I want you to marry again as soon as possible and I want you to give your new wife all my expensive clothes."

"I can’t do that, darling," Tony said. "You’re a size 16 and she’s only a 10."

I can’t do that, darling.

Jewish Telegram (еврейская телеграмма)

"Begin worrying (начинай волноваться). Details to follow (подробности потом; to follow — следовать)."

Jewish Telegram

"Begin worrying. Details to follow."

Abe goes to see his boss and says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning (у

нас серьезная уборка; heavy — тяжелый) at home tomorrow (дома завтра) for Pesach (на Песах, для праздника Пасхи) and my wife needs me to help with the attic (и моя жена нуждается во мне, чтобы помочь с чердаком = навести порядок на чердаке) and the garage, moving and hauling (/чтобы/ передвигать и таскать: «передвигая и таская»; to haul — тянуть, тащить, волочить) stuff (вещи; stuff — материал; здесь — всякая всячина, вещи)."

"We're short-handed (нам не хватает людей: "мы короткорукие"), Abe," the boss replies (отвечает босс). "I just can't give you the day off (я просто не могу дать тебе выходной)."

"Thanks (спасибо), boss," says Moshe, "I knew I could count on you! (я знал, что могу на вас рассчитывать /to know-knew-known/)"

Abe goes to see his boss and says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow for Pesach and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Abe," the boss replies. "I just can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Moshe, "I knew I could count on you!"

We're short-handed. I just can't give you the day off.

I knew I could count on you!

Mr. & Mrs. Goldberg had just got married (только что поженились). On their way (по дороге) to their honeymoon (медовый месяц), Mr. Goldberg said to his new wife (сказал своей новой жене), "Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune? (ты бы вышла за меня, если бы мой отец не оставил мне состояние /to leave-left-left/)"

She replied, "Darling, I would have married you no matter (независимо от того) who (кто) had left you a fortune."

Mr. & Mrs. Goldberg had just got married. On their way to their honeymoon, Mr. Goldberg said to his new wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn’t left me a fortune?"

She replied, "Darling, I would have married you no matter who had left you a fortune."

Bud, from Texas (из Техаса), is on holiday in Israel (в отпуске в Израиле) and meets farmer (встречает, знакомится с фермером) Shlomo there. Bud asks Shlomo what he does (спрашивает, чем тот занимается).

"I raise (развожу: to raise — поднимать; выращивать, разводить) a few chickens (немножко цыплят)," says Shlomo. "I'm also a farmer (я тоже фермер)."

"So am I (я тоже). How much land do you have? (сколько у тебя земли)" asks Bud.

"Fifty meters in front (пятьдесят метров с лицевой стороны), and almost a hundred at the back (и почти сотня сзади)."