Idiots are invincible
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To reduce or resolve misunderstandings, ask the other person how they feel, what exactly they mean, what they want and what they are expecting from you. Then listen and try to understand the other person’s point of view – preferably putting aside pride and biases, withholding judgment, and avoiding rushing to conclusions.
Let us examine an example of an uncertain and, for many, unfamiliar situation. Public speaking is first on the list of people’s most common phobias and ranks higher than spiders and snakes. What is the recommended plan of action?
If you cannot avoid a problem, accept it, and admit that it may be one of your most thorny experiences. Do your research and prepare your notes. The better prepared you are, the less stress and uncertainty you will experience.
To illustrate the point, if you were required to talk about a topic of your expertise, or to submit a single thing you know very well – let us say, your name – I do not think it would be quite as agonizing.
Train for your exposure to an audience by talking in front of a mirror, to your cat or your dog, your grandpa – who cannot hear without his hearing aid – or anyone else you want. Demosthenes, the ancient Greek orator, who could not pronounce the letter “R,” managed it with a pebble in his mouth; you, mighty Ro method students, will not be beaten!
At the same time, try to change your frame of mind: “Given that I have decided to do this, I am going to enjoy it!”
Then go for it. If it goes well, all is good. If it does not, that’s okay too. What have you learnt? What will you do differently next time? In the worst-case scenario, you will never be invited to speak again (all the better for you, unless you have decided to become a professional public speaker).
Improve your self-awareness
If we can identify our stressors, the types of situations that create stress for us and find out when they occur, we can actively prepare for them. By applying specific techniques, we can then tackle them successfully. Go back and re-read the relevant chapter on the sources of stress. Examine and record, if you haven’t already, the stressors you encounter regularly. Identify your ineffective emotional and behavioural responses. Practice challenging your self-destructive thoughts and habits and replacing them with positive ones.
Check-up reminders
The following exercise can help you identify moments of intensity during the day and help you act and confine them.
Set the timer on your watch or the alarm clock on your mobile phone to chime every hour.31 If you do not own one of these devices (very unlikely), take advantage of the steadily recurring signals in your environment. The aim is to identify a signal, an audio or visual stimulus that will remind you to monitor your condition at regular intervals.
Every time you hear or come across one of these signals, take a deep breath; relax from the tension, and check, “Where am I? Am I in ‘the comfort zone?’ Am I enjoying what I am doing?” If not, ask yourself, “What could I adjust or improve and make this activity more enjoyable?”
Where am I?
Using stress for self-development
Stress is good for us! According to motivational speakers (and US presidents), to describe “crisis” Chinese use two characters that translate as “opportunity blowing in a dangerous wind.” 32
When written in Chinese, the word “crisis” is composed of two characters. One represents danger, and the other represents opportunity. – John F. Kennedy
Although the translation may not be that accurate, truth is that every problem does bring with it an opportunity for growth.
Ask yourself, “What does this problem have to teach me?”
When you think about it, our worst experiences have taught us the most valuable lessons in life.
Work on your skills
A saying goes “If you want more out of life, make yourself more useful.” Ensure that you devote a minimum of half-an-hour per day to your self-development.
Useful skills that can be improved include time, stress and anger management, assertiveness, negotiation, communication, manners and social skills, and general knowledge on various conversational subjects. Self-improvement will be further discussed in Chapter 15.
Reduce the demands made by others – and yourself
People spend unimaginable amounts of time trying to become what others are telling them to become:
– Make something of your life.
– Do not become better than me.
– Study and become a doctor.
– Become a civil servant.
– Get married.33
– Don’t you dare get married! Stay here and take care of me.
Does any of this sound familiar?
The secret of failure … is to try to please everyone!
Do not do it. You need balance here as well. At the same time, reduce self-imposed demands:
– Help others.
– Be good at everything you do. Be perfect.
– Do not waste your time.
– Don’t get angry.
– Don’t get stressed. Argh!
There is no need to be impeccable at everything you do. It is not possible to be perfect at everything. Being an excellent manager, a great husband, a model parent, a valuable friend, an eloquent speaker, a well-trained athlete, and a tireless lover is just unworkable … You are wearing too many hats! Accept yourself, even if you do not completely fit the high standards that you have set yourself.
Satisfy your needs
Some of our most important needs are physical, social, and psychological and emotional (love, physical and emotional cuddles).
Often our mood is “sub-zero,” without us knowing why. Other times, we have a feeling that our needs or desires are not being satisfied. The problem, though, is that we do not devote any time in consciously planning and attending to them.
To identify your paths of joy, try the following exercise.