Самые лучшие английские анекдоты
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“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you lb50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional lb600 was for the cat scan and lab [67] tests.”
What is the longest word in the English language? “Smiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters!
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
67
lab = laboratory
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a sign on the door saying, “Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy – Either way, you get your dog back!
What came first, the chicken or the egg?
– I’d have to say it was the rooster!
How do you catch a polar bear?
First, you cut a large, round hole in the ice. Next, you place enough peas around the hole to completely surround the hole. Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.
The boss called one of his employees into the office. “Rob,” he said, “you’ve been with the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. [68] Now it’s time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?”
68
vice-chairman – заместитель
“Thanks,” said the employee.
“Thanks?” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?”
“I suppose not,” the employee said. “Thanks, Dad.”
The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on elephants.
The British submitted a dry historical account “The Elephant and the British Empire”.
The French submitted a text “The Sensuality of the Elephant – a Personal Account”.
The Germans submitted 47 Volumes entitled “An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant’s Ear”.
The Americans submitted an article from “Money” magazine: “Elephants – the Perfect Tax Shelter”.
Green-Peace submitted a counter-entry “Elephants – they’re better than People”.
But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier “We have no Elephants but wouldn’t you want to buy a Honda instead”.
An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor’s job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.
The human resources manager tells him, “You will be hired at minimum wage of lb5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day.”
Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.
To this the manager replies, “You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day.”
The man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having lb10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers’ market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than two hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100 % profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost lb100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.
During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.
Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.
At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.
By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.
Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.
Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.
When the man replies that he doesn’t have time to deal with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is surprised, “What, you don’t have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you’d had all of that five years ago!”
“Ha!” snorts the man. “If I’d had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making lb5.35 an hour.”
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.