Самые лучшие английские анекдоты
Шрифт:
An elderly man calls his son in London and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I’m sick of her, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Manchester and tell her,” and then hangs up. [37]
The son calls his sister, who goes nuts [38] upon hearing the news.
She calls her father and yells, “You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?”
37
hangs up –
38
goes nuts – сходит с ума
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, “It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!”
One day an unknown youth asked Mozart to explain to him how to start to compose a symphony.
“You are young,” answered Mozart. “In the beginning write a ballade, and if you like it, come to me.”
“But you! At the age of ten you have composed a lot of music.”
“But I did not ask anybody how to do it.”
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
“Da-ad…” “What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water? [39] ” “No. You had your chance. Lights out! [40] ”
Five minutes later:
“Da-aaaad…” “WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!”
Five minutes later…
39
a drink of water – глоток воды
40
Lights out! – Гасим свет!
“WHAT?!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”
John had just got a set of new teeth and went away for a holiday. His wife knowing how easily a set of teeth can be lost if you are bathing in a rough sea, wrote to him saying: “Take care not to wear your new teeth when you are bathing in the sea.”
He wrote back: “Why didn’t you telegraph?”
“When I use a hammer I always hit my thumb with it. What should I do to prevent it?”
“The only thing that I can think of, madam, is that you should hold the hammer with both hands.”
A blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can’t take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep [41] in the chair. The barber can’t cut her hair correctly with the headphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead. [42] Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said, “Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out…”
41
falls asleep – засыпает
42
drops dead – падает замертво
“Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?”
“Because he had no-body to go with!”
“I have good news and bad news”, the defence lawyer [43] says to his client.
“What’s the bad news?”
The lawyer says:
“Your blood matches the DNA [44] found at the murder scene. [45] ”
“Dammit! [46] ” cries the client. “What’s the good news?”
43
defence lawyer– адвокат
44
DNA – ДНК (дезоксирибонуклеиновая кислота)
45
murder scene – место преступления
46
Dammit! – Проклятие! Чёрт побери!
“Well,” the lawyer says. “Your cholesterol is down to 140.”
“Why couldn’t Cinderella be a good football player?”
“She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach [47] was a pumpkin.”
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
47
coach – игра слов: наставник, карета
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says:
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards [48] signed, “Guess who?”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
A man walked into a doctor’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”
“What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired.
48
Valentine cards – открытки ко дню св. Валентина
“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”
“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. [49] Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”
49
self-esteem – самооценка
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden [50] expression on his face.
“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.
“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”
“So, what’s your problem?”
“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”
50
downtrodden – угнетённый