Самые лучшие английские анекдоты
Шрифт:
– Here, [14] hold my horse a minute, will you?
– Sir, I am a member of the Congress.
– Never mind! [15] You look honest. I’ll take a chance. [16]
– Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
– Yes, of course.
– Great! I never could before!
14
Here! –
15
Never mind! – Ничего! Не важно!
16
I’ll take a chance. – Я рискну.
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.
Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted:
“Are there any gators [17] around here?!”
“No,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t [18] been around for years!”
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.
17
gators = alligators
18
ain’t = aren’t
About halfway there he asked the guy:
“How did you get rid of the gators?”
“We didn’t do nothin’, [19] ” the beachcomber said. “The sharks got ’em. [20] ”
– What would you do if you won one million pounds?
– Why? Of course I’d pay off my debts.
– And what would you do with the remaining?
– The remaining would have to wait till next time.
19
nothin’ = nothing
20
got ’em = got them
A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion.
So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, “I’d like to look at the accordions, please.”
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says, “All our accordions are over there.”
After browsing, the drummer says, “I think I’d like the big red one in the corner.”
The store owner looks at him and says, “You’re a drummer, aren’t you?”
The drummer, crestfallen, says, “How did you know?”
The store owner says, “That ‘big red accordion’ is the radiator.”
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.
Everybody but one girl laughed uproariously.
“What’s the matter?” grumbled the boss. “Haven’t you got a sense of humor?”
“I don’t have to laugh,” she replied. “I’m leaving Friday.”
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.
The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked:
“How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?”
“Just send a bill for such advice”, replied the lawyer.
On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a lb50 bill.
That afternoon he received a lb100 bill from the lawyer.
The doctor explained to Jenkins that he had a serious ailment for which an operation was absolutely imperative.
The patient turned pale and asked, “Isn’t it very dangerous?”
“Yes,” the doctor replied. “Five out of six who undergo this operation die, but as for you, you have nothing to worry about.”
“Why not?” eagerly inquired the patient.
“Well, you’re sure to recover because my last five patients died,” the doctor reassured him.
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.
“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.
“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed.
“Good,” said the first bat tiredly, “Because I didn’t!”
A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources [21] person asked a young applicant fresh out of [22] Business School, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
“About lb125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package. [23] ”
21
Human Resources – отдел кадров
22
fresh out of – только что из
23
benefits package – социальный пакет