«Тобиас Ужасный» и другие рассказы
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Well, now that the match is agreed upon, naturally Horsey and the Boston characters begin discussing where it is to take place, and one of the Boston characters suggests a neutral ground, but Horsey holds out for New York, and it seems that Boston characters are always ready to visit New York, so he does not meet with any great opposition on this point.
They all agree on a date four weeks later so as to give the principals plenty of time to get ready, although Horsey and I know that this is really unnecessary as far as Nicely–Nicely is concerned, because one thing about him is he is always in condition to eat.
This Nicely–Nicely Jones is a character who is maybe five feet eight inches tall, and about five feet nine inches wide, and when he is in good shape he weighs more than two hundred and eighty–three pounds. He is a horse player by trade, and eating is really just a hobby, but he is undoubtedly a wonderful eater even when he is not hungry.
Well, as soon as Horsey and I return to New York, we go to Mindy's restaurant on Broadway and tell about the bet Horsey makes in Boston, and right away so many citizens, including Mindy himself, wish to take a piece of the proposition that it is oversubscribed by a large sum in no time.
Then Mindy remarks that he does not see Nicely–Nicely Jones for a month, and then Willie the Worrier remembers that the last time he looks for Nicely–Nicely, he leaves a forwarding address in care of somebody by the name of Slocum.
So we go to this address, which turns out to be a five–story walk–up apartment, and a card downstairs shows that Slocum lives on the top floor. It takes Horsey and me ten minutes to walk up the five flights as we are by no means accustomed to exercise of this nature, and when we finally reach a door marked Slocum, we sit down on the top step and rest a while.
Then I ring the bell at this door marked Slocum, and who appears but a tall young Judy with black hair who is without doubt beautiful, but who is so skinny we have to look twice to see her, and when I ask her if she can give me any information about a party named Nicely–Nicely Jones, she says to me like this:
"I guess you mean Quentin," she says. "Yes," she says, "Quentin is here. Come in, gentlemen."
So we step into an apartment, and as we do so a thin, sickly looking character gets up out of a chair by the window and in a weak voice says good evening. It is a good evening, at that, so Horsey and I say good evening right back at him, very polite, and then we stand there waiting for Nicely–Nicely to appear, when the beautiful skinny young Judy says:
"Well," she says, "this is Mr. Quentin Jones."
Then Horsey and I take another swivel at the thin character, and we can see that it is nobody but Nicely–Nicely, but he looks as if he is about half what he is in his prime, and his face is pale and thin, and his eyes are away back in his head, and while we both shake hands with him it is some time before either of us is able to speak. Then Horsey finally says:
"Nicely," he says, "can we have a few words with you in private on a very important proposition?"
Well, at this, and before Nicely–Nicely can answer yes or no, the beautiful skinny young Judy goes out of the room and slams a door behind her, and Nicely–Nicely says:
"My fianc'ee, Miss Hilda Slocum," he says. "She is a wonderful character. We are to be married as soon as I lose twenty pounds more. It will take a couple of weeks longer," he says.
"My goodness gracious, Nicely," Horsey says. "What do you mean lose twenty pounds more? Are you just out of a sickbed, or what?"
"Why," Nicely–Nicely says, "certainly I am not out of a sickbed. I am never healthier in my life. I am on a diet. I lose eighty–three pounds in two months, and am now down to two hundred. I feel great," he says. "It is all because of my fianc'ee, Miss Hilda Slocum. She rescues me from gluttony and obesity, or anyway," Nicely–Nicely says, "this is what Miss Hilda Slocum calls it. My, I feel good. I love Miss Hilda Slocum very much," Nicely–Nicely says. "It is a case of love at first sight on both sides the day we meet in the subway. I am wedged in one of the turnstile gates, and she kindly pushes on me from behind until I wiggle through. I can see she has a kind heart, so I date her up for a movie that night and propose to her while the newsreel is on. But," Nicely–Nicely says, "Hilda tells me at once that she will never marry a fat slob. She says I must put myself in her hands and she will reduce me by scientific methods and then she will become my ever–loving wife, but not before.
"So," Nicely–Nicely says, "I come to live here with Miss Hilda Slocum and her mother, so she can supervise my diet.
"My goodness gracious," Horsey says. "What do you eat, Nicely?"
"Well," Nicely–Nicely says, "I eat anything that does not contain starch, but," he says, "of course everything worth eating contains starch, so I really do not eat much of anything whatever. My fianc'ee, Miss Hilda Slocum, arranges my diet. She is an expert dietician and runs a widely known department in a diet magazine by the name of Let's Keep House."
Then Horsey tells Nicely–Nicely of how he is matched to eat against this Joel Duffle, and at first Nicely–Nicely listens with great interest, and his eyes are shining, but then he becomes very sad, and says:
"It is no use, gentlemen," he says. "My fianc'ee, Miss Hilda Slocum, will never hear of me going off my diet even for a little while. However," he says, "let us call Miss Hilda Slocum in and see what her reactions to your proposition are."
So we call Miss Hilda Slocum in, and her reactions are to order Horsey and me out of the joint with instructions never to darken her door again, and when we are a block away we can still hear her voice speaking very firmly to Nicely–Nicely.
Well, personally, I figure this ends the matter, if Horsey does not happen to get a wonderful break.
He is at Belmont Park one afternoon, and he has a real good tip in a race, and when a brisk young character in a hard straw hat and eyeglasses comes along and asks him what he likes, Horsey mentions the tip.
Well, everything comes out all right, and the brisk young character is very grateful to Horsey for his information, and then the brisk young character mentions that he is nobody but Mr. McBurgle, the editor of the Let's Keep House magazine, and tells Horsey to drop in and see him any time.