Самые лучшие английские анекдоты / The Best English Jokes
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A champion jockey is about to enter an important race [51] on a new horse. The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, “All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, ‘ALLLLEEE OOOP!’ really loudly in the horse’s ear. If you do that, everything will be fine.” The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. They carry on [52] and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, embarrassed, whispers ‘Ale ooop’ in the horse’s ear. The same thing happens – the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ‘‘It’s no good, I must do it,’’ and yells, ‘‘ALLLEEE OOOP!’’ really loudly. Sure enough, the horse jumps over the hurdle with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. The trainer asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, “Nothing is wrong with me, it’s this bloody horse. What is he deaf or something?”
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important race –
52
carry on – продолжают
The trainer replies, “Deaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deaf, he’s BLIND!”
A man was wandering around a fairground [53] and he saw fortuneteller’s tent. [54] He had nothing to do, so he went in and sat down. “Ah…” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.” “Silly fortuneteller,” scoffed the man, “I’m the father of THREE children!” The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!”
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was wandering around a fairground – бродил по ярмарке
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fortuneteller’s tent – шатёр предсказательницы
A man says that he saw a ghost. So his friend asks him what the ghost said to him. “How can I understand,” replied the man, “what he said? I don’t know any dead languages.”
A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth. Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do? Dentist: Wear a brown tie!
A photographer for a national magazine was invited to take pictures [55] of a great forest fire. “A small plane will wait for you to fly you over the fire,” said the editor. The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, [56] a small airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!” The tense man was sitting in the pilot’s seat. So the plane rose up and soon they were in the air. But they were flying erratically. “Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “And make several low-level passes. [57] ” “Why?” asked the nervous pilot. “Because I want to take pictures!” yelled the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” The pilot replied, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”
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to take pictures – сделать фотографии
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sure enough – действительно
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make several low-level passes – сделать несколько пролётов на предельно малой высоте
Little Johnny: I don’t think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it’s the lowest mark I can give you.
An Irishman, by the name of O’Mally proposed to his girl on St. Patrick’s Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young girl showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn’t real.
The young girl returned it to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
“It was in honor of St. Patrick’s Day,” he smiled. “I gave you a sham rock. [58] ”
A very well known doctor and extremely well known lawyer get into a car accident way out on a country road. The lawyer sustains no injuries [59] from the crash but notices that the doctor is injured. So he runs over to his car and helps the doctor out of the twisted wreckage and offers the doctor a drink out of his flask. The doctor happily accepts the drink and takes a big swig [60] of whatever alcohol was in the bottle. He hands it back to the lawyer who promptly puts it back in his pocket. “You’re not going to have a drink?” asks the doctor. The lawyer replies, “Yes, but I’ll wait till the police leave!”
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Игра слов: sham – поддельный, rock – камень; shamrock – трилистник (национальная эмблема Ирландии)
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sustains no injuries – не получает увечий
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big swig– большой глоток
A woman walks into a bank in London City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow lb5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that’s parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the lb5,000 and the interest, [61] which comes to lb15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says: “We are very happy to make this transaction. [62] But please tell us, why did you borrow lb5,000?” “Well, where else in London City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen pounds?”
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the interest –
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transaction – транзакция (банковская операция, состоящая в переводе денежных средств с одного счёта на другой)
A young man was hired by a supermarket. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out [63] the store.” “But I’m a college graduate, [64] ” the young man replied indignantly. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager. “Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”
An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength [65] he wrote a note, dropped it, and died. The son was so overcome with grief that he didn’t remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note: it can be his father’s will! [66] He read it. It said: “You fool – get off [67] my oxygen pipe!!!”
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sweep out – подметать
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college graduate – выпускник колледжа
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with last ounce of strength – из последних сил
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will – завещание
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get off – слезь
An airline captain was in love with a very pretty new blonde stewardess; the route they were flying had a stay-over [68] in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up. [69] What happened to her? She answered the phone, she was crying and said she couldn’t get out of [70] her room. “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?” The stewardess replied, “There are only three doors here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
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stay-over – ночёвка
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called her up – позвонил ей
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get out of – выйти из
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, “I like to operate on librarians. When you open them up [71] everything is in alphabetical order”. The second surgeon said, “I like to operate on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order”. The third surgeon said, “I like to operate on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded. [72] The fourth surgeon said, “I like to operate on lawyers”. The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. [73] One of them asked why. The fourth surgeon replied, “Because they are heartless, gutless, and spineless!”
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open them up – вскрываете их
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color coded – маркировано в цвете
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in disbelief – с недоверием
One day a Pope [74] and a lawyer died and went to Heaven. God came and said, “Follow me and I will give you your rooms.” So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room; it was very small with a small bed and a small desk. “Thank you, thank you my lord,” said The Pope. Then God gave the lawyer his room; it was big room with a big bed and a big deck with a pool and a pretty woman. “Mr. God, why are you giving this room to me and the other little one to The Pope?” “Well, popes we get regular as clockwork, [75] but you’re our first lawyer.”
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Pope – папа римский
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we get regular as clockwork – мы получаем постоянно