The Bloody Veil
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– Son, take yourself in your hands. I am already old.
You will remain the head of your brothers and sisters. Here is a letter from Vahidjan. Write him a more pleasant answer to raise his spirit. I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried, – he said and handed me a letter. – I will go to your mom. You will be alone, – he added and went out on the road. He walked heavily, slowly, tired, heading his head, as if he was searching for his once lost happiness on this dusty canyon road.
I was left with the letter in my hand, exhausted from reading, not finding the strength to uncover it, to find out where my brother was wounded. I stood unconsciously at the threshold. Someone pulled me by the sleeve. There was a sister next door. In her eyes was a childish anxious. I bowed and took her on my hands. The girl hugged me tightly and grabbed my cheek. She lacked the warmth and care of her mother.
We entered the house. I put her carefully, and she fell asleep again. My relatives were sleeping. And I was sitting next to them with a dying heart, looking at the letter. My patience has finally ended. Every word of grief entered my heart. I will never forget these simple and terrible lines.
"Hi, Dad! Your letter was read to me by my friend Samad. You wrote to the commander that I forgot you and didn’t write for four months. You asked him to punish me.
Father, forgive me for not being able to send you a message for so long. I was in the hospital without consciousness. Now I feel better, but I had to ask Samad to write a letter. Doctors say one eye can see. My hands were also shaken by the explosion of the mine.
Father forgive me. I feel how much damage I have done to you by writing the whole truth. How to? You are my father. You survived the war and shed blood, returned from the front crippled. Our fate is same, so I decided to tell you about my condition. Do not speak home. My mother did not survive.
How does she feel? I see her in my dreams every day. All in white clothes she approaches and sits next to me and, without saying a word, looks in my eyes for a long time. Tell me about her health. Mom, mom, from how many bad thoughts she saved me here.
Dad, do not burn up. Fate seems to be like that. You will not leave it. People like me are a lot here. The boys died no less. I’m not going to get out of the hospital soon. If I had been blind from birth, I have been so offended. It is hard to lose the white light in the night alone and plunge into the darkness. It is very difficult…
Goodbye, Dad. Say hello to my mother and brothers. Let Rashid-aka write me a letter in his free time.
Abduvahid.
September 13, 1982
My heart cried. And the younger brothers, not knowing anything, slept peacefully.
I sat for a long time like this. Thousands of thoughts revolved in my head. I cursed those who taught my brother. I powerlessly squeezed my fists, ready to break them into pieces. When my gaze fell on my sister, her hands were stretching up on their own, and I smoothed her confused hair. It seemed that her little face, her hair, her bracelets rejuvenated in my dark heart tenderness, love for family, for people. I felt like I was born again. Small care and worries gradually left me, giving way to those that were now the main ones.
Three days later my father came back. In his hands was knot with belongings of mother. Taking breath, he looked at us sadly, breathed hard. Gulnoz quietly clung to him. We were all looking forward to my father’s words.
– The mother greeted you all. She will recover soon and come. She asked to transmit that they would not joke and live together before her return, – finally, he said, glossing the hair of Gulnoz. As if only waiting for these few words, the younger brothers calmed down and stood up. Children cannot live in anxiety for a long time. There were my father, I and my sister. Gulnoz, rubbing her father’s beard, asked:
– Mommy has gone far?
The wrinkles on my father’s face became even deeper. The cheeks struck, and he, trying to cope with the trembling voice, said:
– Yes, she went far away. She will come, my daughter, your mother will come. I was upset by my father’s mood:
– Diagnosis is determined?
– Yes, my son. It seems to be a long time. Did you write a letter to your brother?
– I wrote.
Here is the whole conversation.
But I felt that my father was not agreeing. By nature, he is a determined man, not a talkative. I never put my concerns on other people’s shoulders. I had to wait for him to say something.
My father suffered from insomnia. At night he wandered around the house, and during the day he went to the camouflage and only rotated in the dark. This lasted a week. Then he crowd together and in the morning twilight he set feet on the path.
– I will go to your mom, – he said.
This time he was in Tashkent for a long time. I was walking alone, not knowing what to think. My heart is drawn there, but I won’t leave the kids alone. I had to wait. The father came home late at night, tired, with a grown jaw:
– I am tired, my children, I will sleep a little, – he said, asking for a bed for him. He came and immediately fell asleep. I didn’t close my eyes all night, I couldn’t find a place.
In the morning after tea, my father said to me:
– Son, next week you will sit next to Mom’s bed. She is now being watched by Shafoat.
Only now I realized that the situation is very difficult.
I write about those days and my heart breaks out of my chest. Life has severely punished us. I don’t know what sins. Next to me are my brothers, a sister, one smaller than the other, in the army, crippled Abduvahid, my mother is in the hospital. Black days fell on my father’s old age. There seemed to be no sorrow in the world that did not fall on our family.
In the morning I went on the way. The first person I saw in the hospital was sister Shafoat. During that time, she became old, sad. I called her. Looking around confusedly, she finally found me, looked at me and did not recognize. A moment of her sad look slipped on my face:
– Rashid, my dear, is it you? She finally cried out and ran to me. She cried for a long time, hiding her face on my chest. Then she took herself into her hands:
– My mom is bad, so bad. I just don’t know what to do, – she said, the tears flowed on her cheeks.