Сборник анекдотов
Шрифт:
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!" The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!" The third woman fainted.
One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your bedroom you're bouncing up and down on him." His mom is taken by surprise and says, "Oh... well...ah....well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again." And the boy says, "Well, that won't work!" His mom says, "Why?!?" And the boy replies, "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed. About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch. "I'm here about your ad," he says. "You must be mistaken," she says. "Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And can't run away, because I don't have any legs." "But," she asks,"How do I know you're good in bed?" "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
This guy walks into a whore house and goes up to the lady at the front desk. "What can I get for a buck?" he says. She looks at him and says,"Go to the last room at the end of the hall and we'll have a girl waiting for you." So he heads on down the hall and goes into the last room there is. Low and behold sitting spread-eagle, naked on the bed is this beautiful blonde just waiting. Without further ado, the guy drops his pants and starts going to town. He's working her over with everything he's got thinking of how good a bargain it was, even though she was being kinda quiet. He keeps going and then...he has one of the greatest orgasms of his life but right as he finishes, white stuff starts coming out of her nose, her mouth and her ears. Well the guys freaks out and goes flying out of the room and back to the front desk while putting his clothes back on. He starts yelling until the lady comes up to the front desk. Then he tells her how all of that white stuff was spurting out of the girl he was getting it on with. Hearing this, the lady at the front desk turns to the door behind her and yells,"Herb! The dead one's full again!!!"
A young teenager girl enters a shop and asks for condoms. The shop-owner can't believe his eyes: "Condoms at your age? Look: there is still milk on your face!". "It isn't milk", she answers
While auditioning for a job, a pianist played one of his own compositions. "That's beautiful," the lounge owner enthused. "What do you call it?" "Rip Off Her Clothes and Screw Her Doggy Style," the pianist replied. The owner told the musician to play another piece, which was equally beautiful. When asked the title, the pianist replied, "Shove Your Dick in Her Mouth and Whistle a Happy Melody." "Look, I love your music," the owner said, "but I'll hire you only if you keep your song titles to yourself." The pianist agreed and began to work that night. After his first set, he got up to go to the men's room. On his way back, a customer stopped him. "Excuse me, do you know your fly's unzipped and your cock is hanging out?" "Know it?" the pianist exclaimed. "I wrote it!!!"
A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess , "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" He said that she had. So she said, "Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time."
Young Johnny went to see the circus for the first time with his parents. While his father was off buying popcorn, his mother took him to see the wild animals. He was fascinated at the lions, tigers, and bears, but when he saw the elephants, his curious nature was awakened. "Mommy," he asked, "what is that long thing hanging down between the elephants' legs?" Embarrassed, his mother quickly replied, "Oh, that's nothing". Unsatisfied, he patiently awaited his father's return, and as soon as Mom was out of earshot, he repeated his question, "what is that long thing hanging down between the elephants' legs?" His father confidently replied, "Why, that's his penis, son". Confused, the boy then asked his father, "Then why did Mommy say it was nothing?" "Son." the father replied, "your mother is spoiled". Not long after that, young Johnny was taking a walk through the park with his dad, when they happened upon two dogs in the middle of the act. Curiosity sparked, he asked his father, "Dad, what are they doing?" Determined to give a real answer, his father told him quite plainly, "They are making love. That is how they make the puppies". This answer seemed to satisfy him. Later that evening, however, he happened to walk in on his parents in the middle of lovemaking. "Daddy", he asked, "what are you doing to Mommy?" "Remember the doggies this afternoon, son? This is how people make love. We're making a little sister for you". "Daddy", Johnny said, "flip Mommy over. I want a puppy instead."
:) :)
1.
–
– Кто там ?
– Смерть.
– Ну и что ?
– Ну и все !
2. Идет опрация. Хирург оперирует больного. Из-под стола:
– Мяу !!! Хирург:
– Брысь ! Опять из-под стола :
– Мяуууу !!! Хирург:
– Да на, отвяжись.
И еще один : Лето. Жара. Одесса. Идет негр по улице. Солнце в голову печет, губы рассохлись... Спустился он к морю смотрит золотая рыбка, поймал ее быстренько, а она ему: - Отпусти меня, три желания выполню. Негр: - Так во-первых хочу стать белым, во-вторых хочу, чтобы на моих коленях всегда сидели женщины, и в третьих хочу, чтобы рядом всегда текла холодная водичка. И исполнила золотая рыбка его желания: теперь негр стал белым унитазом в женском туалете.
Сидит в песочнице маленькая девочка в нарядном платьице и лаковых туфельках и что-то нервно запихивает себе в рот. Какой-то мужик проходит мимо и спрашивает: - А что это ты жуешь, девочка?
– Не знаю. Оно само приползло.
Анекдот из недавнего прошлого всеобщего дифицита: (П)родавец стоит скучает за прилавком и тут в магазин заходит (Д)отошный покупатель: (Д) - Скажите, докторская колбаса есть? (П) - Есть... (Д) - А копченная есть? (П) - Есть... (Д) - А мясо свинное есть? (П) - Есть... (Д) - А говяжье? (П) - Есть... (Д) - А сыр голандский? (П) - Есть... (Д) - А ветчина? (П) - Есть... (Д) - А икра красная? (П) - И черная есть... (Д) - Да Вы надо мной издеваетесь!!! (П) - А Вы первый нначали!
Вот, вспомнилось: Останавливает ГАИшник водилу и говрит: -Та-а-а-к: скорость превышаете?
– Да нет, помилуйте, да у вас-то и радара нетути...
– Рядовой Радар! Как ехал гражданин?
– Вжик! А с какой скоростью здесь надлежит ехать?
– Ж-ж-ж-ж-...
Теперича в топик. Едут трое новых русских (НР) едут на шестисотом в область, разбираться с должником. На узком проселке грязнющий трактор сцепляется с Мерсом, задрав ему крыло, двери и т.п. НР вылезают, смотрят - штук на 10 работа, - вытряхивают тракториста (Т) из кабины: - Ну ч:е, братан, с тебя $20000, век пахать буешь, блин, не отдашь! (Т) задирает тельник, достает зелень: - Так, вот 10, вот еще 10, а вот еще 5 - так и быть, за моральный ущерб... (НР) выкатывают на лоб квадратные шары: - Братан, ты ваще кто, ч:е, блин, делаешь-то?!
– Фермер я, кроликов развожу...
– А ч:е, это круче, чем лохов разводить?!.........